i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
