I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
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His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
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I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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