Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
