whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
