tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
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just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
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Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.