Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
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you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
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I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.