Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
