Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
