Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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