At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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