I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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