oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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