So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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