ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
