My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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