my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
