I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
