you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
