but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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