I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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