Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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