final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
