I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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