Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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