You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
