good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
