Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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