Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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