I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
