...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
