Plan B is the new Plan A
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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