i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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