Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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