god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
