AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
