Is it because I queefed?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
