3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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