Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
try to milk me bitch
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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