The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
