the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
