i wish my penis had a tongue
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
