Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
well most of my day revolves around power hour
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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