i permit you to call me
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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