I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
