why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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