dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
