The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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