I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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