when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
