Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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