Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
