by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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