I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
