I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
