I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
