I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
i think my cat just said my name.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
