A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
